Local residents don mustaches to celebrate news of the winged H Street trolly. Photo by Robert Mann-Thompson
At a press conference yesterday Ward Six Council Member Tommy Wells announced that the H Street Corridor’s $187,000,000 garishly orange trolley (which at this point can’t be turned around, has no power source, and could be just an illusion because no living human being outside of the former Soviet bloc has ever laid eyes on it) is about to have its ride pimped.
“Wings,” smiled really white Mayoral Candidate Tommy Wells. “That’s the new feature for the trolley. Call them unicorn wings or angels wings. But we have these beautiful, gigantic, gossamer-like billowy cottony wings we’re installing on the sides of the cars. During heavy rush hour traffic the entire trolley will take flight and soar right over those nasty polluting automobiles and the trolley magically be on its merry way.”
Also with a nod to scary-looking current mayor Vincent Gray’s One City Initiative, the trolley will be driven by a rotating line-up of the relatively unknown Washington Wizards and DC United rosters.
“The soccer players fit pretty well in the conductor’s seats. But whoo boy, those basketball guys are tall and wide,” said Wells, who wore an askew train engineer’s hat the duration of the news conference. “We’re probably looking to retrofit the trains for them. As we all know, leg room is important. The modifications will put us back a few months but the trains should debut come 2027.”
Reaction to the news broke down very neatly between generational and sporting lines.
“Soccer isn’t even a real sport,” said Horace Knight, long-time resident of 3rd and I Street NE. “City can’t afford no Redskins up in here?”
“I can’t wait to see the trolley in flight,” said Marie Lucas-Patterson. “The trolley is everything I stand for, clean, efficient, sort of foreign, and basically high-maintenance. And I love the legs on soccer players.”