We Don't Always Get to Know Why Someone Goes Missing, & That's OK

Sometimes you are better off not typing that comment

I had a bunch of commenters frustrated that they couldn't get more details on the circumstances of why Joe Madden went missing, or how he was found. While I applaud everyone's efforts in locating him, I also believe the details of how and why he disappeared and was later found are the business of Joe Madden, his family, his friends, and no one else beyond the police. I drafted a rather long-winded comment (which I am now turning into a blog post) explaining why I believe this is the case.

This post had been bubbling up in me for more than a day, but the following comment finally helped bring it to the surface:

anonymous said...

Inked -- your line of thinking is so predicable. Far less helpful than anonymous speculation are the requests for mobilization of finite city resources to find, as one of my fellow commenters aptly termed, a dipshit son. I hope he and / or his parents do apologize. It is the right thing to do.

Oct 3, 2014, 8:41:00 PM

I had written this just above:

 inked said...

Guys,
I don't have details on what he was doing in New Orleans, & some of the anonymous speculation that has been going on here is not helpful. If you feel like you deserve details, find someone who knows him and ask. It seems like a private matter to me once he was found.

Oct 3, 2014, 2:55:00 PM

My line of thinking might be predictable. I think it is also correct. When I wrote of speculation here on the blog, I wasn't talking about the comments you now see, but comments I pushed into the spam folder. They were along the lines of the comments one often sees on stories of this kind. Things like: He's a big guy, & wouldn't be easy to kidnap, or this sure sounds like a meth binge, or probably a drug thing. While it's human nature to speculate, I like to think we should maybe refrain from doing so in a public forum that his family might be reading. I know his mother is aware of it (and may actually have looked at the posts here considering she retweeted a link to this post). Comments like these were even left before he was located. Imagine what it might feel like for a member of his family, or even one of his friends, to read if something horrible had happened to him. I had a cousin who could not be found for a few days, and it turned out that something horrible, out of his control (and not drug related), did befall him. I shudder to picture his parents’ reaction to such anonymous speculation.

I know people want answers, and that is human nature. At the same time, most of us did what to help find him? Tweet a link? Retweet something? Share it on Facebook? These are all important & very helpful steps in finding someone who is missing, but I don’t think they entitle any of us to private family information. You won’t find that info on local news orgs, & I won’t post it here either. It is the business of Joe Madden, his family, & his friends.

I will say that I was thrilled with the fact that so many people took to social media to spread word that he was missing. I think many people who live in Trinidad made an extra effort to do so after the tragic death of Michael Kingsbury. But it’s something we could all be better about generally. It was not lost on me (or some others I spoke with) that we had such an amazing mobilization effort for a young white guy (albeit one whose mom is very social media savvy). I’m hoping we can do the same awesome things in the future when other types of folks go missing.

The kid in the case was certainly young and stupid. That can happen when you are 23. Honestly, I had just purchased a ton of tape for flyers I planned to hang and had walked into the Pug when I heard the news from the bartender. My feeling was one of extreme relief. I don’t really care what happened, or how the situation developed. I view that as personal family stuff. I was just glad to learn that he was safe.

As for the family apologizing, I don’t feel that’s necessary. This guy did something stupid and kind of selfish, but he presumably had no idea people were looking for him. His parents and friends were legitimately worried about him, and rightly so. When people go missing, every hour counts. I would challenge you to say it’s selfish to anyone who has had a friend or family member go missing when the outcome was not so happy. The fact is, you don’t generally know what the outcome will be until you know what the outcome actually is. If we have to expend some resources to get the occasional false alarm, I’m ok with that.